Hehe... abomination.

On her radio show Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant

Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus

18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following

response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US

resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well

as informative.

Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to

educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from

your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I

can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for

example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it

to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you,

however, regarding some other elements of God's Law and how to follow

them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as

a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9.

The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing

to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter

into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what

do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no

contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual

uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have

tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may

indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are

purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this

applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't

I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on

working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. The passage clearly states he

should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even

though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser

abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not

approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to

admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or

is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their

hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though

this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that

touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play

football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates

Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does

his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread

(cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot.

Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the

whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just

burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people

who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things

extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so

I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that

God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan,

James M. Kauffman

Ed.D. Professor Emeritus

University of Virginia

>1. When I burn a bull on the altar as

>a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord -

>Lev.1:9.

>The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not

>pleasing

>to them. Should I smite them?

I think he should just move to a better neighborhood. I sacrifice bulls all the time, and my neighbors never complain.

>2. I would like to sell my daughter

>into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and

>age, what

>do you think would be a fair price for her?

What a ridiculous question. How is Laura supposed to suggest a price if she knows nothing about the daughter, such as her age, weight, education, condition of her teeth and so on?

>3. I know that I am allowed no

>contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual

>uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I

>have

>tried asking, but most women take offense.

No need to become a social pariah. Just wear latex gloves if you're going to be anywhere in the vicinity of a woman over the age of 12.

>4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may

>indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they

>are

>purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims

>that this

>applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why

>can't

>I own Canadians?

This one's a real puzzler.

>5. I have a neighbor who insists on

>working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. The passage clearly

>states he

>should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him

>myself?

Of course not. He should be reported to the Sanhedrin for appropriate action.

>6. A friend of mine feels that even

>though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is

>a lesser

>abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle

>this?

>Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

I think we can agree that if the penalty is the same, the degree of guilt is the same, no?

>7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not

>approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I

>have to

>admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be

>20/20, or

>is there some wiggle room here?

Sorry, you'll either have to get laser surgery or keep away from the altar.

>8. Most of my male friends get their

>hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even

>though

>this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they

>die?

How about the same procedure used for the bulls? That seems fair.

>9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that

>touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I

>still play

>football if I wear gloves?

You'll have to use plastic footballs. What's more important, completing a pass or the Word of God?

>10. My uncle has a farm. He violates

>Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field,

>as does

>his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of

>thread

>(cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme

>a lot.

>Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of

>getting the

>whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we

>just

>burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with

>people

>who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know it seems tempting to cut corners, but I've found it's best to stick to the letter of the law rather than risk another flood.

You could probably ask Dr. laura's advice on the 10 commandments too, especially that one about honroing thy mother and father...

...The body (of Dr. Laura's mother) was discovered when officers made a check at a North Palm Drive residence after a neighbor became concerned about not seeing the woman for several weeks.

The investigation has yet to narrow down the date of death.

Laura Schlessinger said her mother had shut the family out of her life for years.

"And I guess one of the reasons I am so clearly committed to the sanctity of the family and protection of children and the welfare of children in my books and on this radio program is quite frankly because I was not fortunate enough to grow up in a loving, close-knit family myself," she said.

"My dad's dead, my mother ... they were divorced, and my mother and I have had a long estrangement, which was her choice, as it was her choice to be estranged from all the family.

"And I deeply regret that despite any attempts I made to make contact or stay connected she died without that ever being accomplished."

Signing off, she said: "I just want to remind you as I do all the time, hold your family very tight, very close and very dear and don't sweat the petty stuff - the bad stuff is bad enough."

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2002/12/21/entertainment/main533993.shtml

Woodlawn,

I enjoyed reading your post. It was very clever and I actually laughed out loud. Just wanted to compliment you publicly and say

Thanks.

Funny as hell. I also laughed out loud.

Everybody loves Backa Baa.

RE: From San Francisco some Trechant Thoughts.

Where Is My Gay Apocalypse?

Over 3,500 gay marriages and, what, no hellfire? I was promised hellfire. And riots. What gives?

By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist

Friday, March 5, 2004

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have been waiting patiently.

I have been staring with great anticipation out the window of my flat here in the heart of San Francisco, sighing heavily, waiting for the riots and the plagues and the screaming monkeys and the blistering rain of inescapable hellfire. I have my camera all ready and everything.

There has been nothing. I see only some lovely trees and a stunning blue sky and my neighbor walking by with her pair of matching chow chows as a pained-looking woman struggles to parallel park her SUV. Same old, same old.

And this is San Francisco, gay-marriage HQ, Sodom-and-Gomorrahville, debauchery central. We are supposed to be careening off the nice, safe road of social acceptability right now, welcoming chaos, exploding into a fiery hellmist of our own sick godless depravity and dropping off the disgusted planet any minute now.

Where is my raging apocalypse? This is what I want to know. Where is the social meltdown? The moral depravity? I was promised an apocalypse, dammit. What am I supposed to do with all these tubs of margarine and confetti and kazoos?

There have been more than 3,500 gay-marriage ceremonies in San Francisco so far. Hundreds more are just now kicking up a storm in Oregon and in beautifully rebellious little burgs around New York state. And, yet, nothing. No chaos. No rain of terror. Not even a lousy heat wave. Sigh.

Some homosexual couples have been married for more than three weeks now, living in utter godless sin as they drive their cars and shop and laugh and cry and go to work and pay their taxes and wonder about their dreams. Lightning has not struck them dead. The Hellmouth has not opened wide its gaping maw, hankering for some of the City's trademark Sourdough o' Sin. I am dumbfounded.

After all, gay marriage is supposed to ruin the nation, is it not? Induce actual rioting and civil unrest and shirtless anarchy as millions of stupefied citizens pray to a bloody pulverized Mel Gibson-y Jesus for redemption, as they suddenly begin questioning whether ogling the Pottery Barn catalog for more than 10 minutes might mean they're gay.

"It's anarchy," some guy named Rick Forcier, of the Washington state chapter of the Christian Coalition, actually whined. "We seem to have lost the rule of law. It's very frightening when every community decides what laws they will obey." Why, yes, Rick. It's total anarchy. Just look at all the screaming and the bloodshed and the gunfire. Run and hide, Rick. The gay people in love are coming. And they've got tattoos and funny haircuts and want to get married and celebrate their love and be left alone. Hide the children.

This was -- and still is -- very much the right-wing sentiment. It was almost a guarantee: Same-sex marriage spelled the instantaneous end of all that is good and righteous and edible. Insurrection was imminent, apocalypse nigh. You could see it in their eyes -- they could hardly wait.

Hell, even Governator Arnie went on "Meet the Press" recently and proclaimed, semicoherently, that he was actually worried about the riots and deadly mayhem should S.F. continue with its brazen lawlessness. And look. Nothing. Not a peep. Not a single rabid spitting demon to be seen. Unless you count Lynne Cheney. Which you never, ever should.

I believe I have been misled. I was told repeatedly in extra-glowing terminology by multiple raging Bible-quoting drones that The Good Book expressly forbids gay marriage and gay sex, and to engage in either spells imminent doom and instant social bedlam and there are specific verses all about it.

Is this true? Are there actual verses decrying gay marriage? Are they anything like those other Biblical verses, about the rules and regulations surrounding marriage that are making the rounds on the Net right now? Real verses. Actual verses. Verses o' sanctimonious fun. Have you seen them?

Like this: "Marriage shall not impede a man's right to take multiple concubines in addition to his wife or wives." (II Sam 5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chron 11:21).

Or maybe: "A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be stoned to death." (Deut 22:13-21) Isn't that cute? Isn't quoting Bible verse fun? Ask your local pastor about that one.

Or how about: "If a married man dies without children, his brother shall marry the widow. If he refuses to marry his brother's widow or deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe and be otherwise punished in a manner to be determined by law." (Gen. 38:6-10; Deut 25:5-10). Hey, it's right there, in the Bible. So it must be true.

Is it worth showing those verses to the happily sanctimonious and sneering Christian homophobes who are protesting outside S.F. City Hall right now, telling the gay couples what depraved hell-bound sinners they all are? Nah. Why spoil their whiny apocalyptic wet dreams? Live and let live, I always say.

(Oh, and while we're at it, God also really hates shrimp. Maybe you didn't know. Shrimp are evil, as are all shrimp eaters. Clams, too. Hey, it's in the Bible. You can look it up. Why the Right is attacking homosexuals in love and not, say, Red Lobster, remains a mystery.)

So, here we are. Approaching a full month after the first of S.F.'s marriage ceremonies, and nothing. The universe is smiling madly. The world is shrugging. Anonymous supporters from all over the nation have sent flowers to hundreds of loving gay and lesbian couples. As of this writing, there is no scathing hellfire. No fanged demons of destruction (Lynne Cheney excepted). No meltdown whatsoever. I would know, right? I mean, wouldn't the power go out, or something?

Maybe it's still to come. Maybe total screaming misery and unspeakable sociocultural collapse coupled with wanton bestiality and incest and the giving away of free anal beads to innocent teenagers takes more than a month. Maybe I'm just a little impatient.

Maybe Satan is taking his sweet time to marshal his leather-clad armies, watching as other U.S. cities get in on the gay-marriage act, listening as mayors and governors all chime in their support and say what's the big deal. Maybe Beelzebub is waiting for a big moment so as to really leverage the coming news flash, the special report, the sudden activation of the Emergency Broadcast System. Something like:

"This just in: Earthquakes rocked the globe today as giant fire-breathing bees of death swarmed the countryside, feasting on fat white heterosexual babies mostly from Texas and Colorado Springs and Utah and Idaho, as the institution of hetero marriage careened around the mad vortex of space-time like a savage drunken pinball high on black-tar heroin, just like the Christian Right predicted.

"Horrors bled into the streets, terrorists were spawned by the thousand, presidents openly lied so as to lead a nation into bloody violent unwinnable wars, thousands of Catholic priests sexually molested tens of thousands of children over a 50-year period without the slightest punishment, the environment teetered on the brink due to heartless government rollbacks as air quality and water quality and food sources were ravaged in the name of corporate profiteering, the economy crumbled like Jenna Bush after her 10th beer bong as hate and fear and bogus Orange Alerts ruled the land."

Oh wait. That was all before the gay-marriage thing. My bad.

RE: Eat Seafood and Die!

I think it would be really useful just about now if gay and friendly organizations would start picketing and holding demonstrations outside Red Lobsters and other seafood restaurants, carrying signs like "Eat Seafood and Die" or "Eat Lobster and Burn in Hell" followed by the relevant biblical citation.

Ditto outside divorce courts, singles bars, etc. where heterosexuals gather with signs about adultery and fornication (with more biblical citations).

Then I think it would be equally appropriate to show up outside shopping mall clothing stores with signs saying "Wear easy-care fabric blends and get stoned to death" (and the appropriate citation).

It's time to use mockery and try to defuse the Biblical rants about homosexuality, which is hardly mentioned in the Bible, when you get right down to it. All of these other things are also labeled abominations, or worse, and I don't think you can pick and choose among G-d's laws, if you're a true believer. Either you follow them all, or you just have to resign yourself to hanging out with the rest of us in the afterlife!

RE: From San Francisco some Trechant Thoughts.

Doesn't HELL FIRE apply to the after life? You know when you Die and the powers that be get to decide whether you get to sprout wings and float among white clouds, sprout horns and burn in the lakes of fire in Hell for all eternity or go to Pergataroy to await judgment (probably the worse scenario, kind of like a doctor's waiting room where you spend all eternity reading out of date magazines! )

RE: From San Francisco some Trechant Thoughts.

Its not going to apply to MY afterlife! I'm going to the Muslim paradise, where I can count on 70 handsome studs to take care of me throughout eternity. . . I assume Islam accepts deathbed conversions? All the other self-respecting brand-name faiths do!

RE: From San Francisco some Trechant Thoughts.

>Where Is My Gay Apocalypse?

>Over 3,500 gay marriages and, what, no hellfire? I was

>promised hellfire. And riots. What gives?

One of the most pitiful things to see is when someone: (1) takes an argument with which they disagree; (2) distorts and mischaracterizes the argument into something completely childish and absurd; (3) refutes the absurd caricature they've constructed; and then (4) smugly congratulates themselves for defeating the argument with "trenchant thoughts" and oh-so-incisive refutation.

If gay marriage is legalized, then the world is going to collapse in an immediate, diety-driven apocalypse. Yeah - that's really the argument which serious opponents of gay marriage are advancing. So congratulations to this brilliant columnist for exposing this argument to be false. With such intellectually powerful reasoning faculties - and with such a fawning readership which apparently reaches all the way into the lowest depths of the Rio bathhouse scene - it's bewildering that he's writing for some free gay rag in San Fransisco rather than for some real newspaper.

And let's be sure to applaud the dripping scorn with which he mocks Christianity. After all, there's nothing as effective in combating bigotry and fighting for "tolerance and diversity" than to run around spewing hatred at other people's religious beliefs.